The New Number Ones by Howard Bowden with Bru Peckett Recorded by Bru Peckett and Mandy Morley First verse narrated : Now in days of old, with paintwork bold Owner boatmen were the best Those number ones, on all the runs Were a cut above the rest Those days have gone, the trades all done And sad it is to say There's now a new breed of number ones Who boat a different way, 'Cos We are the new number ones We've nothing left to learn Our boat cost 50* thousand quid And we've got cash to burn Yes, we are the new number ones We're arrogant, rude of course And if what you want is to boat the old way You should have bought a horse We've got knitting round our tiller pin Kew gardens on the top We've a water can weighed down with bricks And a new Vileda mop We never nod nor say 'ow do The gates we rarely shut We've left the motorway behind Now we own the cut, cos .. Well our engine it's a vintage job Twice the size we need And when we wind it up full blast We've a fair old turn of speed We meet such friendly folk we find When we pass they all come out But with the ghetto blaster on the slide We can't hear what they shout, Yes .. We've a telly and a microwave Dishwasher and all that We've got every mod con known to man But the batteries soon run flat We have to charge them all day long But of course this means We've got enough juice stored down there To light up Milton Keynes, Yes .. Now our headlamp it's of polished brass It gleams in light of day And for sheer pretentious brilliance It'll take your breath away A million candle-power it is In tunnels bright as day Why can't the other buggers see To get out of our way, Yes .. At water taps we're hours and hours It can cause quite a queue Besides, we've got to wash the boat Cut water just won't do We don't share locks nor wait our turn Though there hasn't been much rain 'Cos when the locks are all chained up We'll bugger off to Spain, Yes .. * Cost increases by 10 thousand pounds in each chorus. Recorded on :