Grumpy Old Boater by Ian H Bruce (2016) Water temperature's rising, the oil pressure's low He's coughing out black smoke wherever he goes He should service the engine but we daren’t tell him so For he is a grumpy old boater Baggy jeans, oily tee-shirt, and scuffed leather boots An abrasive old misfit, too fond of disputes For politeness and manners he don’t give two hoots For he is a grumpy old boater Irksome and set in misogynous ways He lives in the past, dreams of long bygone days An outspoken critic of all he surveys For he is a grumpy old boater When boaters greet him he just cuts them dead Averting his eyes he stares straight ahead "How do?" and "Good Morning" and are words left unsaid For he is a grumpy old boater He'll shout and he'll swear at boats passing by 'Cos he thinks they're too fast and he’ll never see why He can’t be a candidate for ‘Mr Nice Guy’ For he is a grumpy old boater Alone on his boat through the long winter storms He's a churlish hothead when the temperature warms It's 'Bah Humbug' to summer and those leisure boat swarms For he is a grumpy old boater That queue at the locks just couldn't be worse While stopped does he chat? No, quite the reverse He'll gripe and he'll groan, he’ll chunter and curse For he is a grumpy old boater So take note grumpy boater, you know who you are On tow-path, afloat, or propping up bar A cantankerous dipstick who just goes too far So push off you grumpy old boater I've met lots of very nice, friendly people whilst travelling the waterways but, just as I drift off into the realms of utopian contentment, some miserable ‘so-and-so’ brings me down to earth with a bump. Then, of course, there are the ‘professional’ moaners who complain about absolutely everything. The phrase 'grumpy old boater' can certainly be applied to many I have come across and there just had to be a song in there somewhere. I'd like to dedicate this song to ... .. . no, perhaps not!” - Ian H Bruce
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